And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
