Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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