I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
