weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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