look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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