i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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