My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
