Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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