Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
be right there i have to get my cape
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
