we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
