life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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