WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
