remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize