I could make wine with my vomit
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize