I can tuck mytits in my pants
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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