He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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