yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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