It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
