i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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