Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
