I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
