I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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