we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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