This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
