I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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