Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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