I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
