no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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