Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
