I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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