Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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