let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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