I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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