Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
