i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We have started to decorate penises.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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