My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
