Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
