my phone needs a breathalizer
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize