I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
