Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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