Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize