Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
