I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
