I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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