im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
