how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
