I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
