Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
