what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
