My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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