i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
