I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
