to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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