I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
