I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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