Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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